Challenging Sleep Training
Maybe it's time for us to reconsider what we consider normal...
Sleep training has become so normalized that questioning it can feel taboo. It’s often framed as a necessary rite of passage, something parents must endure for the sake of routine, productivity, or independence. But when you pause and really look at what’s being asked of babies and their mothers, something doesn’t quite sit right.
After decades of being told that crying it out is just a “rite of passage” for babies, a growing chorus of mothers are questioning the narrative. In this article, Madison Tylak of the Tallow Twins makes the case that biology, not convenience, should set the terms, and that what we call a sleep problem might not be a problem at all.
What feels most unsettling to me is that sleep training asks babies to sit alone with their distress in the dark - not because their need for comfort is unreasonable, but because it’s been labeled inconvenient. We ask them to “self-soothe” before they are able to perceive themselves as separate from the woman who grew them. Before their nervous systems are mature enough to regulate anything on their own. Before they have language, context, or the ability to understand why the person that they believe they are a part of suddenly isn’t there.
To put it simply, babies do not experience themselves as separate from their mother. Neurologically and biologically, they are one system. An infant’s nervous system is profoundly immature and relies entirely on co-regulation - through touch, voice, smell, oxytocin, warmth, and proximity. When a baby cries, they aren’t “manipulating you.” It’s not a bad habit. It’s simply the only way they know how to communicate. It’s their way of saying: I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired. I’m scared. I need you. Expecting a tiny nervous system that’s still under construction to manage that distress alone is something we would never ask of an adult. Most of us don’t handle exhaustion well even with fully developed brains, coping tools, and words. So why do we expect more from infants?
The idea that leaving a baby to cry teaches independence misunderstands how regulation actually develops. Self-soothing isn’t a skill babies possess, it only emerges years later as the brain matures and after a child has experienced consistent comfort and safety. Crying alone doesn’t teach regulation. The body eventually quiets, not because it feels safe, but because it has learned that help isn’t coming.
“Sleep training asks babies to sit alone with their distress in the dark - not because their need for comfort is unreasonable, but because it’s been labeled inconvenient.”
Perhaps the reason sleep training feels so widespread isn’t because it’s biologically sound, but because it fits neatly into a culture that values productivity over presence and independence over attachment. A culture that asks mothers to override instinct, to doubt their bodies, and to ignore the instinctual knowing that responding to their baby feels right. Any mother on the planet knows that primal response that arises in their body when they hear a baby cry.
Maybe the answer has been in front of us all along... Maybe babies wake because they’re meant to. Maybe they call out because connection is a beautifully designed feature.
Maybe what they need in those moments isn’t a lesson, but rather their mother. Besides, this season is not forever, and you’ll miss those moments of snuggling your sweet little human.
Maybe it’s time for us to reconsider what we’ve been told to be “normal,” and to remember that biology doesn’t bend to trends. When we view infant sleep through the lens of nervous system development, attachment, and human design, a different perspective emerges, perhaps one that feels more intuitive, more humane, and deeply aligned with how our babies are meant to grow.
Sometimes the most radical thing we can do is trust what feels true.
Madison Tylak is a radical birth keeper and the co-founder of Tallow Twins. Explore more of her work on Instagram @madsbirthwork & @tallowtwins. Use code WARKITCHEN20 for 20% off site-wide at tallowtwins.ca.
This piece was first published in Issue 41 of the WARKITCHEN, explore the rest of the issue here. Enjoy the experience 🥂